This is totally random, nothing to do with any form of art, just something I have been wanting to talk about for a while.
I am a starer. I stare. For a long periods of time. Not in a subtle way. I can stare at people and make them so incredibly uncomfortable that they may wonder if:
a) Am I a spy that's incredibly bad at her job?
a) Do I maybe have a physical disorder that literally prevents me from turning my head away
And I stare at different people for a lot of different reason - a guy I have a crush on; a girl I think it's pretty and am jealous of; someone I hate; someone that wears something strange and/or incredibly ugly; someone I think is cool; someone who does something strange/interesting... the list just goes on. And because I am a writer (kind of, sort of) I like watching people - how they behave, consider what they may be thinking etc. I especially love watching people... that are new to me.
I however am not a racist. To me that means - I don't think that the white race is somehow in some way better than any other race. When I see a colored-person, I do see a color, but I don't think of the people in terms of color, rather them in terms of well... people. True, I don't find black guys as attractive as white guys, although I might if they are multiracial.
However, where I live there are not a lot of colored people. I have come to notice quite a few Asians, so when I see one, I naturally... stare. And here's what goes in my head during that time:
"Oh my god, they think I am racist for staring at them like that. But I can't they are so new-y. Ok, just look away, look at any other direction, just don't look at that person. Oh, great now they must think I am racist, because I won't even look at them. Well, I can't look now, that'll just be creepy..."
And yes, intellectually I understand that most people probably have better things to worry about than whether that stranger has anything against them, because of their skin-color, but it's my problem and I can't solve it.
As I said - in Bulgaria, doesn't really matter, but I am leaving to study in UK in September and I am sure there will be more variety there and I want to make a bunch of international friends, because it's always cool to have new friends that are different then you, and'll be able to teach you something new. And I don't want them to label me 'racist' and refuse to talk to me, because I stare at them awkwardly.
My point is that some people are narrow-minded bigots and some are just weird and awkward and I am the second type. I am still unsure which is worse, because if I were racist, I won't care about their opinions of me. Now, I am just sort of... stuck.
Comments will be appreciated. =)
Note: I feel racist just talking about color. I apologize to all non-white people, who may be reading this, I hope you are not offended.