Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Racism VS Creeping

  This is totally random, nothing to do with any form of art, just something I have been wanting to talk about for a while.

  I am a starer. I stare. For a long periods of time. Not in a subtle way. I can stare at people and make them so incredibly uncomfortable that they may wonder if:
a) Am I a spy that's incredibly bad at her job?
a) Do I maybe have a physical disorder that literally prevents me from turning my head away

  And I stare at different people for a lot of different reason - a guy I have a crush on; a girl I think it's pretty and am jealous of; someone I hate; someone that wears something strange and/or incredibly ugly; someone I think is cool; someone who does something strange/interesting... the list just goes on. And because I am a writer (kind of, sort of) I like watching people - how they behave, consider what they may be thinking etc. I especially love watching people... that are new to me.

  I however am not a racist. To me that means - I don't think that the white race is somehow in some way better than any other race. When I see a colored-person, I do see a color, but I don't think of the people in terms of color, rather them in terms of well... people. True, I don't find black guys as attractive as white guys, although I might if they are multiracial.

  However, where I live there are not a lot of colored people. I have come to notice quite a few Asians, so when I see one, I naturally... stare. And here's what goes in my head during that time:

"Oh my god, they think I am racist for staring at them like that. But I can't they are so new-y. Ok, just look away, look at any other direction, just don't look at that person. Oh, great now they must think I am racist, because I won't even look at them. Well, I can't look now, that'll just be creepy..."

And yes, intellectually I understand that most people probably have better things to worry about than whether that stranger has anything against them, because of their skin-color, but it's my problem and I can't solve it.

As I said - in Bulgaria, doesn't really matter, but I am leaving to study in UK in September and I am sure there will be more variety there and I want to make a bunch of international friends, because it's always cool to have new friends that are different then you, and'll be able to teach you something new.  And I don't want them to label me 'racist' and refuse to talk to me, because I stare at them awkwardly.

My point is that some people are narrow-minded bigots and some are just weird and awkward and I am the second type. I am still unsure which is worse, because if I were racist, I won't care about their opinions of me. Now, I am just sort of... stuck.

Comments will be appreciated. =)

Note: I feel racist just talking about color. I apologize to all non-white people, who may be reading this, I hope you are not offended.


  1. Hi Thea!

    Good luck with your move to the U.K.!

    I feel that I should warn you that, at least in the U.S., "colored people" is an offensive term. "People of Color" is the acceptable phrase. I'm not sure how it is in the U.K., but that's a heads-up.

    Also, just because there isn't much racial diversity where you come from doesn't mean that your awareness (or lack thereof) doesn't matter; it matters so much to someone who's so isolated from other people who could really understand their experiences. In fact, if there are very few people of color, they'd probably appreciate having you as an ally - since it sounds like they don't necessarily have many.

    It's great that you're thinking about these things! They're very important issues that a lot of people want to ignore, and I really appreciate that you're putting thought and effort into it.

    For my part, I don't particularly mind when people stare at me, but that sort of thing varies from individual to individual. Some people will think you're racist. Some people will think that you find them really attractive. Some people will just think that you're awkward. There's nothing you can really do about what people think; the only thing you can affect is how *you* behave. And I think if you try to treat everyone with respect, listen to them (including, of course, stopping doing something if they tell you that it's upsetting them), and are open to both criticism and learning, you'll do really well. You're a thoughtful person.

    Best of luck to you,

  2. Okay, I just noticed that your post was from 2013, so I guess it was sort of pointless to respond now. I mean, I think everything I said still stands; I've just said it far too late. In any case, I hope things are going well for you and that you're having fun and learning a lot!

    1. Hi. I actually wrote this post a long time ago. I have a tumblr now so I am a bit more aware of social issues. I really thought I deleted this blog, but I guess not. Hey if you have a tumblr, would you like to be mutuals (if you don't like my main, don't worry I have 3 different sideblogs! :D)